Day 41 February 15, 2010

Today I mustered up my courage. After church I asked the family if there should be a next step to this experiment. After a bit of silence my teenager said he wouldn’t mind saying the rosary for lent. Lent kicks off in three days on Ash Wednesday. Colin and I made plans to revisit the rosary starting on Wednesday.

Given the lackluster response by the remaining family members, I posed this question, “How about if Colin and I pray the rosary for lent and whoever would like to join us can? It will be totally up to you.” Even this appeal didn’t cause much of a stir, just some blunted background noise.

I surmised that in my eagerness for my husband to receive some type of gift from God, perhaps I misinterpretted him. Perhaps he was indeed more enamoured with the notion of family togetherness than something of a higher plane. Yet there certainly were a few tangible nuggets of hope. My husband can now recite the Lord’s Prayer. For 40 days he consistenly used the lord’s name reverently during prayer and even more remarkably – he did this outside of prayer. In addition, in my heart of hearts I believe that he was indeed seeking and knocking at the door of the Lord. This in turn is freeing to me; it gives me a new peace.  A peace that says my God, who cannot be outdone in generosity, will at the perfect time in the perfect way be both the giver and the gift – and because of my husband’s sincere seeking, he will be the recipient.

With this said, Wednesday my son and I will proceed with the march. Later during lent I will make a post; we’ll see then who has joined the parade.

Day 40 February 13, 2010

This teacher planning day off from school had us filled with unusual scurrying, the culmination of which was a 7:30pm movie theatre showing of the Lightning Thief where we were to meet Auntie and the kids. The level of busyness necessitated saying the rosary in the car on the way to the show. During the rushed Hail Mary’s, I felt a private tear well up in my eye. First, I was in awe that it was actually Day 40 and that we officially achieved the goal: praying the rosary for 40 consecutive days with a sincere heart. I guess the final part of this last sentence was the other half of my tear. After weeks of momentum leading up to this 40 day moment, the high speed prayers in the car (rushing so we could get in the ticket line) left me saddened. Then came the surprise, my husband, apparently in touch with the lack of sincerity commented to the group that we should repeat this rosary again tomorrow morning  because he didn’t feel comfortable ending the forty days on this note.

Upon exit from the theatre Auntie introduced us to two other kid-toting moms who also joined the movie party. One mom was tall with pensive eyes, friendly yet reserved. The other had welcoming eyes and a soft smile on her face. In that moment it hit me! The family we had been praying for every day since Day 23, this was that family – one of these mothers just suffered the loss of her son.

As we exited the building, I had it figured out in my mind. The mom was pensive and reserved because of her loss. Oh how I wished in that moment I had sent her a silent blessing then maybe we would have made a connection – if she only knew how much we had been praying for her, maybe we could offer her a ray of peace. During this mental pondering, my son broke the silence as he commented that the shorter blonde haired mom with the freckle-faced daughter was the mother of the tragedy. My thoughts went on rewind; the mother exuding peace was the mother. Praise God; like a mental reflex, I longed prayerfully that this mother might always have a biblical peace that passes all understanding. I pondered if her joy was likened to that of Tina and me. I wondered from deep within if this mother’s smile was the same joy Tina and I knew regarding the death of Mack..

As the mental flurry of processing slowed, I had another recognition; perhaps this mother’s peace was yet another moment to “be still and know I am God.”

Day 39 February 12, 2010

On the way home from flag football this evening my seven-year old said moaningly from the back seat, “Mom(with the “o” sound really long and drawn out) is it almost forty days yet? It sure feels like forty days. It’s gotto be forty days…..Are we almost done yet?” There it was, the question that has been noticeably absent the last 38 days. With the journey nearly complete, Mr. Wiggly reported that he could barely take another evening of containment on the family sofa.

What a sweetheart, he really tried hard all of these days.

8:30pm: All said prayer requests. All prayed the Luminous Mysteries – we all like these. (This mystery gets contemplated only once a week, so it’s a bit of a new mental resting place)

Day 38 February 12, 2010

This morning I entered the in-law suit to visit with my parents. It didn’t take long for me to marvel at the happenings of Day 36. Mom and dad were equally surprised that my husband and son had appeared to soften at the notion of prayer and perhaps even at the notion of God.They wondered aloud about the potential power of such an experiment.

Then came the unexpected, “Honey” my mother said to my father, “lent is coming soon,  maybe we should try the  experiment too – together you and me.”

And with that, all three of us sat, curiously quiet. (Except I imagine, my dad’s rosary praying mother.I picture her up in heaven shouting hip hip hoorays of encouragement.)

7:45pm All said prayer requests. All prayed the Glorious Mysteries.

Day 37 February 10, 2010

After receiving approval, I just posted Day 34. Please excuse the lengthiness. Given that Day 34 was one of the most memorable days of my life, the details needed to be captured so they could always be remembered.

7:45pm All said prayer requests, all prayed the Sorrowful Mysteries.

Day 36 February 8, 2010

My father joined me in my office this morning as I was transitioning from blogging to working. He settled into a soft chair signaling he wanted to share few thoughts. He marveled to me about the sights he witnessed with his very own eyes. “Without you even being here, he (my husband) prayed the rosary with the kids both days (day 33 and day 34).I think it is a really good thing; the kids share what’s on their mind; it gets everything out in the open; it brings everyone closer.” Next he wondered out loud how the seemingly impossible came to be.

I went on to explain how the experiment manifest in our home, how I went to my husband and shared a desire that was burning in my heart. I told my father that for 8 years I wanted everyone to try this experiment because it is so powerful and because it changed me so much. I explained that things took a strange twist about seven weeks ago. At that time the desire in my heart for the experiment intensified; after much prayer it all became clear – the experiment was meant for me and my family to try, no matter how unlikely this seemed.

At this point I was standing, stepping over to the chaise lounge (aka prayer chair). “While meditating in this chair,” I gestured “I got a mental image of St. Faustina and her left arm was out like this. I opened my eyes and looked in that direction.” I showed my father how her diary was in the big basket on that side and how I opened it randomly only for it to state words to the effect – write everything down of God’s goodness.

With this said I sat down to size up the damage. I wasn’t sure whether I just landed on the complete screwball list or not. In another breath of bravery, I added the part about Julie and Julia and how the movie would not leave my mind and that I decided  “write it down” meant a write a blog like the character Julie in the movie.

His quiet curiosity continued. Next I took him to the computer in the kitchen where I showed him the website www.trytheexperiment.com. I left him alone with Day 1 on the screen. It was about Day7 t when he was dislodged. The school telephoned and my daughter needed to come home due to illness. Dad rose to the call and offered to pick her up, still curiously quiet.

7:30pm: All said prayer requests (if putting it in writing might help our odds, we all really pray that our friends get the house across the lake. It’s not looking good; things are tied up with some kind of family deal.) All contemplated the Joyful Mysteries: the annunciation when the angel comes to Mary and she says “yes”, Jesus’ first encounter with John the Baptist in his mother’s womb, birth of Jesus (“Imagine him being born in your heart,” I add), presentation of Jesus as a baby in the temple (One of Mary’s great sorrows to bear; she knows from infancy the tribulations that lie ahead for her son, the savior of the world.) and finding Jesus in the temple.

After prayers there is an unusual calm. Dustin says to me, “I know this is going to surprise you. There is a part of me that could keep doing this (experiment) forever.” He went on to say “I don’t get to do that much with the whole family all together. I don’t usually get home for family dinners…..something about this feels right.” My newly arrived  teenager says “Yeah me too. I like it. I could do this for another forty days.”

My head and heart spin – I too am curiously quiet.

Day 35 February 8, 2010

After my cross country flight I entered my kitchen, oblivious, ready to pour a drink of water. With one simple glance it hit me, and I literally fell over with uncontainable laughter. I left my home 2 days ago with an extreme sense of gratefulness. Completely blessed, I had the luxury, with the wave of a goodbye hand to simply handoff a to-do list; I was able to board the plane to Ohio – left only to attend to my needs (what a rarity). My parents were home to man the ship, perform the school pickup, and oversee weekend activities, replete with a birthday party checklist – for my own son – the day of my return.

During the emotions of my journey  I never had time to check in with the ship captains; after all I come of sturdy stock, I was sure they could weather any storm. Weather it indeed…there on the kitchen counter to the left of my sink was a folded piece of paper with writing belonging to my mother, perfectly standing, nearly blinking in neon, it stated P +C.  What took 13 years to wear me down,   my three stooges did to grandma and grandpa in 48 little hours. My mom too was crying out in secret code for more patience and cheerfulness.

6:30pm: Yes, you have the time right. On this Super Bowl Sunday, just following the 13^th birthday party for my son, the family quite peaceably thought it would be best to say our prayers before we watch the game, otherwise it would be too late. With tevo in action for the opening minutes and more importantly, opening commercials, all said prayer requests, and all prayed the Glorious Mysteries while grandpa sat in the other room. He was either asleep or unconscious from the shock of it all.

Day 34 February 8, 2010

Ten days ago I received the following email from my husband:

“The weirdest thing just happened to me.  A strange woman came into my office from outside and asked to sit and talk with me for a bit.  We talked for about 5 minutes. Right before she left she looked at me and stated that she felt I was a man who has broad intellectual interests and is accomplished in areas of both the arts and the sciences.  It was weird, and I am not sure what it all meant.”

Earlier that morning I was singing the praises of the Classical Homoeopathist whose remedy was helping my digestive issues calm down. Knowing some of the doctor’s background, I then remarked with a sense of marvel, “He’s a true Renaissance Man.” I had such a dreamy sound in my voice that my husband was alarmed. Not only had the four-wheelin’, truck drivin’, music blarin’, bare footin’ love of my life never heard of this term, he demanded an immediate Webster’s definition.  “Ha” I chuckled “looks like you’ll have to find this one out for yourself,” Little did I know I would be laughing uncontrollably three hours later when he googled the subject and sent me the exact words stated above.  What my husband lacks in the sciences and arts he more than compensates for in humor and personality; he had me giggling sporadically throughout the day because of his antics. 

It is with this definition that I attempt to tell about one of the most remarkable days of my life. So many pieces of the puzzle fused together in 12 short hours that I shudder at the attempt to make the words come as alive as the moments. Here is my try at sharing the two testimonies that made their debut to me during the last few hours.

1:30pm:  Center stage at the funeral for Mack were Teresa his sister, two step children, the Principal where Mack taught school and the spirit-filled pastor. The tone was set with a video presentation of photos: Mack the child, the horned rimmed schoolager/geek, the self taught magician, the military man, the showman and cruise ship entertainer, the coach, graduation day for this adult learner, the dad to which there was no “step” of separation from his children and  of course, the husband.

Pastor Colledge opened the ceremony remarking that this word does not apply to many people but for Mack it was a fit, he was indeed a Renaissance Man and through gladness and sorrow we were about to learn more about this special soul. First Teresa tearfully and bravely took the stage. She told the story the pictures did not tell; Mack was left as a youngster to find his own path as he suffered abuse and ridicule in the home. Activities outside the home were not permitted, including the sport he adored but never officially played- baseball. Despite tremendous obstacles, Mack persevered; outlets were diligence at school, learning magic tricks in his room, and listening to “the greatest band of all time – Kiss.” Teresa admired how her brother forged a path for himself despite being dealt cards heavily stacked against him.

He also forged ahead in the area of relationships, evidenced as his no-step daughter read her poem of memories – sweet Amanda captivated us all. She read sentence after sentence about the little moments: the early morning pancakes,  the time you were shuffles the Clown at my school, the lunches you packed, our trip across country when we moved – line after line Sarah revealed a father who poured every ounce of his daily being into giving and loving with all he had. Even more notable was Amanda’s on stage persona; her poise, grace and finesse were clearly fruits of a plant that had been fertilized with love and attention from every angle. Her 11 year old brother displayed the same special pruning as he proclaimed boldly: ” I am here before you with no prepared speech. I am here as someone with a great deal of passion. I am here to honor an amazing man.” This boy in that moment was as regal as the grandest of king’s, his stage presence alone gave tribute and homage to the man he adored.

Next the principal offered her heart felt experience of Mack. She stated that as a principal you never really know how good of a job a teacher is doing inside of the classroom, but for her, the facebook comments over the last few weeks gave her concrete evidence; this teacher truly worked his magic with his class full of  inner city youth. For over four and one half months he captured the hearts and minds of his students and because of selfless giving of time and talents he was deeply embedded into the school culture in record time. This school leader beamed as she spoke of Mack, her instinct to trust was confirmed; her executive decision to hire Mack at this faith based school, despite his inability to make a statement of belief in Jesus Christ, was confirmed. This man’s life journey melted hearts and opened minds; Mack had been walking in the Light and didn’t even know it.

It is difficult to capture the momentum of this funeral service – each speaker was unknowingly delivering a logical chapter in a life story which had never before been told: Mack’s testimony was unfolding before our very eyes and ears. The pastor added the next element, an allusion to an unlikely reference, 1Samuel, chapter 18. Here he describes how the son of a king, Jonathon, lays down his royal robe, tunic, even his sword and belt , all he has. Jonathon gave all of himself with perfect abandon. Pastor felt  Mack too “laid it all down”  for the people in his life.

Next, in a moment that was anything but prepared, clearly enraptured in the now, the pastor astutely summarized the progression of speakers and added the final chapter: the moment when the veil of unknowing was lifted for Mack; the moment Mack saw the light of love clearly, the love that had been poured on him from every angle. More importantly, he saw the light of truth inside himself. The pastor referenced Mack’s “yes” to the Lord. Many of us knew the details: When Tina sensed timed was short for her beloved she took the “final days” steps. She anointed, blessed and prayed over him. The investment quickly reaped dividends. The next morning a scent of spirit-infused oil permeated the room. In addition there was a tremendous calm and even a sense of angels – harbingers of peace, protection and maybe something more. After a litany of vigils, novenas, and sacramentals, a little known neighbor a few houses down the street asked Tina’s permission to pray with her husband. Tina agreed knowing that Mack would have no problem dismissing any spiritual advance, history proved that. With an open door, Renee arrived with no set prescription, just a middle of the night urging that never left her consciousness. It spoke: “Read the word.” The gentle-eyed neighbor cannot recall the verses; Renee does know she began with Revelations, “if anyone hears my voice” and then something from the Matthew. Even though four sound-minded women surrounded Sonny, none can recall the exact words. What is memorable is that the spirit was palpable; this was God’s moment not theirs. One recollection – “if you want Jesus to come in your heart just squeeze my hand…if you want to “tell him yourself now do so.” He made a verbal proclamation, yes he wanted Jesus in his heart and then he wept.

As if Mack welcomed Jesus on a megaphone to the world, the rejoicing began! Families arrived with balloons and the pastor called unexpectedly (and unknowingly) in the heat of the frenzy. Within no time, 30 people were celebrating – the sheep was reunited with its good shepherd. And with all this knowledge, the funeral audience sat silent, intuiting that this was no ordinary funeral. It was a profound moment to “be still and know I am God.”Psalm 46:10

As if this isn’t enough to absorb in one day, testimony #2 also clarifies in my mind’s eye just hours before my head hits the pillow.

8:30pm: I join in the laughter of Tina and her family. The girls are seated around the table telling stories; they say to me, “we just talked about how you used to help Tia in school with your lists to keep her organized and how you were always coaxing her to brush her teeth after lunch to get the egg sandwich out of her braces.” After the laughter, prior to my final departure, Tina confides in me, “I used the box. I did everything on the list.” I knew she meant the “final days” list. She used the holy oil, and prayed the Divine Mercy Chaplet(Day 17) and the rosary.

My amazingly dynamic friend (whose Leo birthday is the same day as my husband’s) is far beyond competent, capable and emotionally stable. There have, however, been three exceptions to this stability over our 33 year history. When she learned, black and white, no turning back, that her husband was indeed going to die of esophageal cancer – that was one of those times.

In the early weeks Tina was caught in a tornado of emotions; three swirled and dizzied her; two of the three caused nausea and lack of sleep. Together with the help of many friends and professionals Tina set her sights on tackling two of them, the robbers of peace: fear and anxiety.

While Tina fought off the attackers on her end, the grade school inner circle, four of us, said a novena (and plenty of rosaries) for miracles for Mack and Tina. For the record, a novena means storming heaven with nine days of intensely focused intention while invoking assistance – the prayers of those especially dear to our Lord. In addition, I spun into my customary list making for Tina except this list wasn’t reminding her to pack her gold cheerleading briefs and the red practice shirt.  Inside the care package were the how to’s with the material to back it up. These lists dealt with a whole new plane of awareness. Here are the main list titles:

When you are experiencing panic and extreme worry for YOURSELF and you do not know where to turn for a second of peace:

When you are experiencing the “final days” for others and you have that consuming stomach feeling:

The first list was meant to give her some practical coping mechanisms during this initial onslaught of emotions and questioning, a list she didn’t need for long.  After about six weeks of full blown funnel clouds, I spoke to Tina on the phone – I could hear it in her voice. It was gone, completely gone. How could this be? A miracle so quickly; there was no sign of worry or fear. Her bravery to tackle the tormentors actually slayed the beast. She was changed; she was a “new creation”2Cor5:17.  During her seeking and knocking at the door of the Lord, not only was it opened, she was seated firmly at his table of plenty. For the remaining 10 months Tina steadfastly carried with her a new peace, a new strength – one that flowed in and through her from above. The beasts were wrestled and completely defeated. She remained in his peace, walking side by side (or floating as she likes to say) with the remaining emotion, sadness. Except now she had two entirely new companions; she was now holding hands with faithfulness and courage. Now she was unshakable in the face of the fiercest storm of her life.

It is with tears of admiration that I share my immense pride and respect for Tina’s openness, tenderness and vulnerability to shoulder this journey perfectly and beautifully by the side of her beloved. After only several weeks of personal struggle, this travail had nothing whatsoever to do with her and had everything to do with him, her with arms and heart wide open with one purpose – to love and to serve. 

11:00pm: I prayed the rosary for Mack. Now that he is in the presence of the Lord, I prayed for the repose of his soul, that he could fully experience that presence. Mat12:32, Heb12:14

As I am about to collapse I am startled by the last revelation of the day. Throughout these 10 months I have been so grateful for Mack to have his angel at his side; tonight I marvel at the evolution as I realize something new: Tina wasn’t the only angel. Mack was Tina’s angel, taking her to spiritual heights she would have never reached without him.

Day 33 February 7, 2010

Traveling again to Ohio. As I catch my breath before the pre-funeral activities, I am startled by emotions. I notice myself smiling in the airport. Joy is radiating from a place very deep. I recognize instantly that I could be sitting here in the airport flying to console my friend; I could be saying “Well Ti, you never know what happens at that moment of death; I am sure there is a private window of time when the soul faces its maker and in that moment the soul either draws near and says “yes” or turns away. Ti, he may have said “yes” …we have to hang on to that hope.” But no, I am not saying this. Instead my heart overflows with gratitude.

What a tremendous gift God has given us. We were able to witness the “yes”. Her husband could have had his moment privately, yet private or public the outcome would be the same. He would have been counted among God’s chosen people. Instead I can say to Tina, “Your husband’s witness in your house on that bed holding your hand – this was God’s gift to us. God made it clear that our prayer was answered. How truly marvelous, how humbling that the God who created the heavens and the earth reached down to us and gave us this gift.”

Later, I watched Tina greet the line of people who were touched by the life of her husband. The men, women and children came from the school  in which he taught, the teams that he coached, the brotherhood of magicians with whom he bonded and  the family and friends who were in awe of his strength ( he never complained despite the violent form of cancer that took his life). Throughout all of this contact, one thing stood out to me as I sat watching protectively nearby: Tina greeted one and all with a genuine, knowing smile – her joy uncontainable.

Day32 February 7, 2010

(2/7 – I am finally home. Today I will attempt to Post Day 32, 33, and 34. Hopefully I can read my out-of-town notes.)

After regrouping from the morning scramble – a child home ill (with vomit to prove it) and airline tickets finally purchased correctly (bought and cancelled twice I finally got the details right, return 2/7 not 3/7) I catch my breath and wonder to God as the mountain of challenges seem to loom. To gain perspective I grab The Imitation of Christ; I plop the book open. It reads:

Child do not let yourself be dismayed by the labors that you have undertaken for me, neither let yourself be cast down because of any trying experiences that come to you. But let my promise strengthen  and comfort you in all events.

I am well able to reward you above all measure and degree. Gen15:1

You will not labor long here, nor always be grieved with sorrows.

Wait a little while longer and you will see a speedy end to all your troubles.

There will come an hour when all toil and tumult will cease. Little and brief is all that passes away with time.

Do what you have to do with all your might. Ecc9:10 Labor faithfully in my vineyard. Mat 20:7. I will be your reward.

Write, read, sing, sigh, keep silence, pray; bear crosses courageously; life everlasting is worthy of all these conflicts and even greater things than they.

I say my prayers early today as I rejoice in god’s sovereignty; My mountain is clearly in his hands, what a blessing to believe this from the bottom of my heart.

Tonight’s monthly pregnancy center meeting means the children will pray with dad when he gets home. Wait! I catch myself by surprise. I repeat the sentence slowly to myself….The children are praying with dad tonight. These words just crossed my mental landscape with vibrations of peace and order. One month ago the notion brought a hurricane of chaos and doubt and now – a gentle breeze of peace and order – Amazing.

Another surprise similar to this registered the other night. Once our daily tally reached into the 30’s I became startled. For all the challenges and prayertime aggression, one comment has been glaringly absent. Not Once, by anyone ever have I been asked the question that every parent on a journey has been asked. “Are we almost there yet?” has been noticeably absent from the equation. Unless I am totally missing something, I detect no anticipation, no prisoners lining up to have their ball and chain removed. So much so, I actually bit my tongue and chose not to announce “10 days to go!”  The salesperson and counselor in me decided, instead, to pace with my clients and follow their lead.